There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
