i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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