nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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