When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
