I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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