I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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