I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
