Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
