One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
