He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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