there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
