I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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