i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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