What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
