Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Too much gin, very little bucket
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
