don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
