So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
