how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
We are two peas in an std pod
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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