When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
not ubering you a puppy
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
