I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
