dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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