im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
