She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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