Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Someone signed my nipple.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
