apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
