We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
