guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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