I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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