No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
