Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
