I cannot find my penis.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Randomize
