I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
