what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
