What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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