I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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