Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I need moral support for this bender
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize