I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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