she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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