On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
