I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
