I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
