Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
it hurts more in the daytime
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
