Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
