my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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