Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
