How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
