Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
