He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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