Cold hands, warm shart.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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