hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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