I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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