My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
