mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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