Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize