Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
