Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
