apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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