is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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