alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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