There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
