The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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