Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
