I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
