cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
